Super Hamster: Curse of the Kooky Cult

Super Hamster (v1.0)

Release type: Shareware
Release date: ~1992-1993
Levels: ?
Author: James W. Morris
Website: JamesWMorris.com
Related games: ?

FULL ENTRY COMING SOON!

Story

Here our hero confronts a hooligan from another world. Who will be the victor? Building the 3 tile tall bad guys proved to be a ginormous headache, but in the end it worked out alright.

Super Hamster: Curse of the Kooky Cult

It was a dark and stormy night. There was a 60% chance of heavy thundershowers just north of the city. The city would be Redwood, CA. The year is 2039 ad. Deep in the heart of the anemic metropolis was the mecca for freaky refugees of a bygone era. It was Don's Disco Inferno. And this seemingly innocent establishment is where we set our scene.

Don's had been a site of much trouble over the years. From the day that Big Daddy Don broke ground on its construction until this very day it had been plagued by an omnipresent Phantom of the Disco. This deformed disco dancer donned a dainty disguise in the form of a porcelain mask covering the disfigured portion of his face. During construction of the dance hall he snuck into the sewers and fashioned a secret lair for himself. From there he would make demands of the disco manager and smote him with the punjab lasso if the demands were not met. (the punjab being a lasso that smote people who used puns too frequently hence the name Pun-Jab)

The phantom was content while the family that owned the disco suffered. Soon they had so little money they had to send the youngest of the kids to be the new manager. When they no longer could afford to supply the phantom with his every whim he got ticked off. He then threatened to smote Don the epileptic bartender/manager. Don fearing for his life called the Pentagram in Washington D.C. (okay he over reacted just a little) George Bush, secretary of defense and petroleum jelly immortal, found that there was someone on the pentagram payroll in the city of Redwood. It was of course Super Hamster, defender of the um, well, er, we'll just leave it at defender.

When Super Hamster's girlfriend Mindy heard that he was going to the inferno she had to go and try out her latest disco steps. Since S.H. didn't expect much trouble he figured they could have some fun at a human club and get paid for it to boot. So with that they were off.

Meanwhile somewhere in Redwood

A tall insect like creature scowled at a blurred image on the wall. He was relatively sure that it was the daughter of King Nestor he was seeing but it was so many years since he last saw her and she had taken so many forms he just couldn't be sure. She was a fat old gypsy woman sitting on a park bench talking to herself. That in itself was not uncommon. What was uncommon was when she would argue with herself, no, with her crystal ball, and it would argue back with words printed across its surface.

Now there could be no doubt. Madame Roseallini was in fact the long lost princess of Plankton therefore her father must be in the crystal ball. (okay maybe its a little of a stretch). Convinced that his quarry had been found he called together the kooky cult to assemble tonight at the secret meeting place. He also summoned Darko the kooky sage who was the head honcho of the cult. He needed him to do a little favor.

With everything in place the giant bug prepared the visions and broadcast them over time\space into the murky sky above.

Back to the original plot

Upon arriving at the disco Mindy and S.H. didn't see anything out of the ordinary so Mindy began to dance while S.H. laughed at her. But unbeknownst to them, the phantom saw the dance and became infatuated with our hoofing heroine. When Mindy was through making a fool of herself with disco gyrations she and S.H. sat on the catwalk. Surveying the situation Mindy commented.

MINDY- The french would hate this

SH-Mindy!

MINDY- You know its true. they'd say look at zeez zilly americanz doing zere zilly danze hough hough hough pazz me zome wine.

SH- Thank you for alienating an entire ethnic group of our audience.

MINDY- We have an audience?

SH- I certainly hope so.

MINDY- Wow, what a nifty development. Mayhaps I should woo them back with a gratuitous display of female stuff.

SH- We're talking about the French Minderelli, try a subdued waif like androgynous display

MINDY- S.H., I don't want no more of the crying game.

SH- You and me both my little gelatin mold.

Suddenly Mindy begins to vocalize strangely as the plot gets more and more extravagant

MINDY- At night

he was on TV

I saw him

and was not the same

that leisure suit

still calls to me

though devoid of brand name

But will

he dance again?

Would he be kind?

The Phantom of the Disco

is there-

in my orange rind

SH- Okay mindy thats one too many orangy squeezy zima umbrella drinks for you. By the way why were you singing about John Travolta?

PHANTOM- Dance once

again with me

my fluffy

pet...

your grace

in platform shoes

gets better

yet...

and while

you still deny

that I am real

The Phantom of the Disco

is there-

inside your orange peel.

SH- woah this is getting really weird.

In the light of a hundred lava lamps at chernobyl the phantom appears and beckons to Mindy. She rises and moves slowly toward him in a trance-like state. She glances back at S.H. to say.

MINDY- Disco is dead snookums. where did you think I learned all those moves.

PHANTOM- Come my angel of disco.

MINDY- I'm coming, I'm coming don't get your cape in a knot.

SH- Did I miss something?

MINDY- Yeah you never did find out who killed Laura Palmer did you? See ya later honey bunches of oats.

With that the phantom wrapped his cape around her and they both disappeared. S.H. considered what a nifty trick that was. But soon he got to the matter at hand, was his girlfriend just kidnapped? And if so does this mean that in his first video game he's already stuck in the least imaginative video game plot device ever devised. After a few therapy sessions he came to terms that this was a mundane rescue the princess type plot and he set off to find the entrance to the phantom's lair.

Somewhere in Redwood

Yes we've returned to the big bug guy. He readies the list of the 7 artifacts of the facilitator. Then sends it to the daughter of Nestor in a psychic vision. Promising her the defeat of her nemesis on delivery of the totems. She is told that they are an integral part of a ritual to destroy Zealos (pronounced zEElowZ). Immediately she begins trying to find the hamster to whisk him to her caravan. They have much to talk about indeedy.

The Phantom's Lair

Deep in the sewers the phantom makes his home. He takes Mindy through the sludgy rivers to a chamber full of lava lamps on sticks. He leads her onto the hard wood floor and gazes into her eyes.

PHANTOM- Are we having fun yet?

MINDY- Ack! you've pluralized me!

PHANTOM- No no no I meant are you and I having fun yet.

MINDY- Then you should have said that, I don't feel comfortable enough in this relationship to make a pronoun with you.

PHANTOM- Stop the insanity!

MINDY- tee hee

PHANTOM- what?

MINDY- You sound just like that bald chick on TV. Only you have a higher voice.

PHANTOM- Blah Blah! I suppose I have to get all hypnotic again.

Slowly, Gently, Night unfurls its splendor.

Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender.

Turn your face away from the garish light of day.

Turn your thoughts away from the cold unfeeling light,

and listen to the music of the...

Night Fever Night Fever

As the chamber errupts with disco medelies the phantom extends his hand to Mindy

PHANTOM- Come on babe lets boogie

MINDY- It's a stupid plot, so sue us.

Meanwhile in the Disco

S.H. approaches the bar and takes a seat, which he deftly falls out of, landing on his face.

BARTENDER- Those stools are ergonomically self correcting, molded with a thousand wave table samples of the human buttocks. Your stumpy tail must have thrown it off, or made it throw you off as the case may be.

SH- yeah that's funny stuff. But enough of this banter, how is it you know so much about samples of the human buttock?

BARTENDER- I'm Don the epileptic bartender, I manage the place.

SH- ah so your Don, well, the name's Hamster Super Hamster My friends call me Friskey You can call me Ray or you can call me Jay. Why do they call you Don the epiletic bartender

DON- Because my name is Donald and I tend bar and I have conditional epilepsy.

SH- conditional?

DON-yeah I only have a seizure when I hear the name C-H-A-R-L-E-S-R-I-C-H-T-E-R.

SH- You realize of course that I now must say it.

DON- of course

SH- No offense intended

DON- None taken

SH- Charles Richter

After a spectacular seizure Don regains composure

DON- I seem to have wet myself.

SH- Get back into life with depends. But enough of this fun and fits. Do you know anything about the hidden lair of the Phantom of the disco? I think he kidnapped my significant other.

DON- Yeah it's in the sewer right beneath here.

SH- thanx, one more thing, is that the village people I hear

DON- Yeah, why?

SH- Oh nothing, I used to have nightmares that the indian was coming to eat me.

DON- He likes to be called the native american now.

SH- geez but I hate political correctness.

DON- who doesn't?

SH- Barney, but I digress.

DON- I guess that's all the exposition I can help with.

SH- I think not, I need to borrow you for a second.

With that our fearless furball carried Don over to a weak spot in the illuminated floor and, holding him by the ankles in jackhammer position, said

SH- Charles Richter With that Don began gyrating wildly and tearing through the floor while S.H. guided him. Eventually he penetrated the stone walls of the sewer and made a spiffy entrance to the Phantom's lair.

SH- Thanks for all the help Donny

DON- don't mention it

SH- I'm gonna scoot back up to the catwalk now.

DON- The catwalk, but why? Shouldn't you go to the lair, especially after using my head as an entrenching device.

SH- I would but after this excruciatingly long opening I think the good people want a couple of stages before they have to read again so I'll just come back down through the disco again.

DON- Okay, and thank you for all your help.

SH- your welcome, um, what help?

DON- I don't know, I guess I got one to many whacks on the strobe light if you know what I mean.

SH- I'm sure I don't but I'm sure it's something special. And remember your a special person! Have an extra special day, from your friend

S U P E R H A M S T E R

This is from the arcade portion of the disco level. It looks like everyone is having a good time.

This is near the end of the Disco level. You have to jump on the heads of the women to reach the guy up above. And then kill him. This is much like the events that transpire in a real disco.

In the TV station level you confront "Blarney" the drunken Irish dinosaur. Do you see what I did there with "Barney" and "the Irish"? Funny stuff.

This is the epic confrontation with an inter-dimensional diety. You climb up his body, and as you approach his head, he spits jellyfish type things at you. You can fight him if you want, or you can just walk by him. Now that's some open-ended, gameplay, just like GTA!

Here our hero runs through a sewer full of bombs on skateboards. This is a plausible threat. Is that a kitten on the right side of the screen?

This is the entrance to the TV station level. There is a horrifying phantasm in the upper left corner.

This is a rare example of a "boss fight" from the game. You had to defeat the TV executive, who is protected by a "force field" (The line in front of him). His desk is really really huge.

In this scene our hero escapes from two patriotic eagles as the sun looks on, stoic and eternal.

One of the levels of the game had you switch characters and play on a hoverboard. I was actually pretty happy with the mechanics, but the level itself wasn't put together very well. Here our hoverboarding hero scoots up through a sewer pipe toward some gleaming cubes.

In this part of the mountain level you leap over one of the ubiquitous pits full of spikes, only to be confronted by a deadly mountain lion on the other side. Fortunately, I could never get the mountain lion to move correctly. So he just stands there and growls. But if you walk directly into him, he'll kill you alright!

This is from the TV Station level where our hero confronts a Bob Ross impersonator and must flip his blinking beacon from red to green. Why? I don't remember exactly.

This is part of the mountain level where you get an extra life from Santa Claus and cross the collapsing rope bridge. Thanks Santa!

This is the arcade part of the disco level. You might ask why there is a large arcade in the disco. And further, why is the tiny headed woman dancing on the games? There are answers to these questions, and many others.

This is the part of the disco level where you pass the giant lava lamp only to be confronted by an enormous laughing head connected to the wall by a pipe. The head doesn't actually do anything. It just laughs. In many ways it is a testament to our humanity.

This motley crew was the NPC cast that populated the disco level. Here you see the disco chicken, the debutante, the douche bag, the slut, the woman with a tiny head, and the African-American Elvis impersonator. All the usual sorts you'd expect to find at a night club.

In this level you have to run along a "scaffold" with a bunch of painted lanterns and jump over some jets of exploding gas. The background is... distracting.

A game designed somewhere around 1992 or 1993. The premise and object are sort of unclear. Images and captions taken from James W. Morris's Flickr channel.

Links

• Vidja Games (Flickr)