So these hormones have been doing a lot to my head, all of it I think good, as well as what more incidentally is going on with my body. What’s curious to me is the things the process continues to reveal to me. It’s hard to say how much of this is the change in hormonal balance, how much is the shift in perspective on myself and the parts of me I never liked, and how much is just overcoming internalized garbage that I didn’t have opportunity to address before.

It feels like my queerness keeps increasing, in my typically equivocal way. I don’t adhere to the gender binary—but I am in fact medically transitioning. I don’t actually experience sexual or romantic attraction—but what appreciation there may be, it turns out it is regardless of gender.

That was… difficult for me to sort out. But it really doesn’t matter. People are people, and the toxicity that put me off one side of the spectrum is neither innate nor exclusive to that end. Anyone can be lovely or awful, based on what they individually bring.

Which is to say, I now seem to be pan-aroace. Which I, uh, decisively wasn’t before this rejiggering. But now pretty clearly am. It’s… a little weird. I haven’t yet figured out what that means in real terms, given, you know, the aroace part. It’s taken a couple of months to grapple and come to terms with. Like, what is that, and why is it here now? And, there it is.

I feel like I’ve unlocked a massive shrug here. It’s as abstract a notion as possible, since I can’t imagine a situation it could pertain to. But hey. How else could it possibly be with me?

“None of this really applies. But also, I am diving in completely.”