humming the tone

  • Reading time:1 mins read

have you ever been kicked in the stomach

that flash, that explosion that takes away all thought, all other sensation, all agency while your body catches up to the shock

i’ve always had audio, speech processing difficulty, and it’s gotten so much worse the last two years. it takes more than everything i have, to process unsolicited speech or environmental sounds

and it hits me exactly like getting kicked in the stomach

it is so hard for me to manage, brings me literally close to blacking out. the vertigo, the nausea, the fading tunnelvision, this buzz like tinnitus in the center of my brain

thumb on the scale

  • Reading time:1 mins read

azure, feeling ancient and calcified and decrepit: “oogh ack urrrg, i am turrrning to dussst…”

the Internet:

i swear someone has their thumb on the scale, because this shit feels so incorrect to me

thinking again of how my then-spouse didn’t allow me to shave my scraggle that made me so unhappy, because when i did, i “looked like a girl,” which filled them with disgust and sexual uncertainty, which instead of processing they would turn into rage and take out on me for making them feel that way

and it’s like,

  • you’re the one who married a girl
  • you have always had a type
  • you knew what you were getting before i even did
  • your fears and your desires were there decades before i came along

it’s not my fault that you’re ashamed of who you are; that’s no reason to shame me for who i am

it’s more than the shame, though; it’s the one guiding terror behind every choice a narcissist makes:

what might the people you’ve been manipulating your whole life think of you, if the web came unwound and they ever saw you for real?

what if you had no other recourse, but to trust?

cold feet

  • Reading time:2 mins read

i’m pretty sure my bipolar college roommate roofied me one evening, for reasons i can only guess

was it a prank? was he doing a test run?

he was a really charming guy, and we got along well—which made an impression, because that version of me was very hard to get along with

but that semester was very strange

he also bought me expensive things, some of them kind of personal, which confused me at the time and puzzles me more all these years later

after thanksgiving break, he returned to our room for a moment then i guess had some kind of manic episode, left all his stuff behind, and disappeared

there was a whole todo, his parents and police got involved

days later he turned up on the canadian border, in bad shape, without shoes, his feet almost frostbitten off

he had suddenly decided to go camping alone deep in the canadian wilderness, the night of a major blizzard

no wallet or room key

he put on a cheery face the rest of the year, that the person i was didn’t understand enough to see through, even as he hobbled around on crutches, both his feet and lower legs in cartoonishly thick casts

i met his parents—his mom, dramatic and overbearing; his dad must have sucked all the lemons

there was something going on with him, that i wasn’t the right person to see

it comes back to me sometimes, always with more questions than before; always something else to kick myself for missing, even though i never could have caught it back then; i just wasn’t cooked enough

he was in trouble.

core lore again

  • Reading time:1 mins read

i am trying to be a real person

it’s really fucking hard

and i am so very tired

and i have slid backward so very very far

but it’s all that i really have,

to find shape in the miasma of being

manifest anapest

  • Reading time:1 mins read

how many cocks may a korrigan suck
how many dicks may she take
what is her fill of salubrious silk
how many dreams can she slake

stumbling in the door

  • Reading time:4 mins read

mentally i tend to lump in the first season of sf6 dlc with the starting roster, in part because i didn’t pick up the game until after ed hit; in part, because they are all part of the original plan for the game

like, capcom had only announced four characters when the other 18 leaked in one lump

structurally much of the base game is clearly built around the knowledge that at least rashid, aki, and ed are meant to be there—they’re just delayed a bit, for reasons

same as kofxv with its first season, or what’s happening with cotw, talking about 22 base characters—albeit five of them being dlc

emotionally the sf6 roster also kinda feels weird without the energy of rashid, aki, and ed—they feel like core characters as much as the other seven new guys, plus juri, deejay, and cammy

i get the sense that, like kofxv, they lightly carved out the least-crucial characters to hit the launch date

i mean, akuma is easy to push back because of the way he’s always served as a sort of elite post-game bonus element—but i can see figuring they needed all eight original world warriors on day one as a security blanket, and wanting to show off as many of their new creations as possible…

so it’s mostly that zone between sfii:tww and the new cast, where there was room to trim

i can see keeping in cammy and deejay again for familiarity, even as they have been totally redesigned—leaving just akuma and the three select sfiv-v characters

and then i can see swapping out aki for juri

like, if we’re talking an 18-character launch roster, and feel constrained to use eight of those slots on the sfii cast in order to reassure the easily-stressed and elder Gamers, to balance off and provide symmetry for the eight new guys, that just leaves two other “wild card” slots—which, if we go with the super sfii guys again serve to defer to relative familiarity, while showcasing the game’s ability to make the old altogether new again

i can then see that same totally justified “we need people to accept this immediately” impulse to pivot with a frown and say, “okay, juri is probably our single most popular character of the last 20 years; how can we squeeze her in at launch?”

and if we’re gonna tinker with the symmetry to make sure foot-girl is there on day one, then aki makes a natural sacrifice. even if she’s an important new character, there’s so much conceptual overlap, right?

like, juri has always been dlc until now and i can see how at first thought she likely was a strong candidate to hold back along with akuma and the two sfv characters—but she’s just that strong a draw, swapping her into the launch roster makes that much stronger a first impression and sales pitch

anyway, the season 1 dlc is clearly all scrambled up in the initial development of the game. it’s not extraneous tacked-on content, it’s the rest of the game as originally planned.

season 2 is where shit starts to get wild, as they start to build and riff off the now-established base

there’s this clear “act break” of sorts between [launch+s1] and s2, and the energy is so different, so much more confident as of last summer, just a few months after i finally got on-board

it’s almost like a soft reboot of a now-proven success, restating the original pitch with new flair and spark

so, long way of saying, i tend to kinda forget that rashid, ed, and aki technically aren’t launch roster. since they are so clearly of a part with the rest of the game and elements of its *core* roster. it’s just, part of that base core had to be held back a bit to get the game out the door at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

ace in bed

  • Reading time:2 mins read

dull reminder that sexuality isn’t about sex; it’s about attraction

a gay man isn’t necessarily out fucking dudes all day every day

a bisexual woman isn’t necessarily bonking everyone she meets

an ace enby doesn’t necessarily dislike sex or lack a libido; they just don’t see other people that way

in fact it’s super common for aces to be polyamorous, because attraction is not a factor or a barrier—it’s simply not a consideration, making friendship and shared interests far more of a comprehensible path to the bed

it’s entirely possible to be ace and also a total slut

case in point: azurelore

imagine being an autistic weirdo who realizes they can just share with close friends an intense special interest in and expressive fascination for sex

just explore and embrace and openly muse and discuss and theorize and philosophize about this endlessly curious topic, like any other friend stuff

it’s not about—well, whatever it is that allo people feel; this mystical quality of sexual attraction that makes “normal” people behave absolutely insane to my eyes

it’s not about power dynamics or transactions or possession or any of that scary toxic mess

it’s just, “hey, this is neat! ya wanna?”

of course aces can also be sex-averse for any number of reasons, and that’s cool too and needs to be respected

but you know who else can be sex-averse for any reason and deserves respect? bi people. gays. lesbians. pansexuals. straights.

i also was very averse until i learned to love myself.