{"id":6769,"date":"2020-10-11T02:10:29","date_gmt":"2020-10-11T06:10:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/?p=6769"},"modified":"2020-12-12T22:44:51","modified_gmt":"2020-12-13T03:44:51","slug":"appendage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/2020\/10\/appendage\/","title":{"rendered":"Appendage"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Seriously, how did I go over 41 years without breasts? How is that a thing that happened, where it never occurred to me, hey, something’s missing here? I know these things are sexualized in this culture\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand I squeam at sex stuff, including words and basic ideation, when it involves me\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut, like, that’s not the point of them, either biologically or in regard to why I’ve been going so mental about this lately. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s just, imagine suddenly having hands <\/em>after never thinking about them much before. Boobs aren’t quite as versatile, but there’s this element of, oh, holy shit, that’s it; we’ve got it now. How did I not understand that a piece of me was missing? (Two pieces, I guess?) Now it’s just so obvious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever met someone and immediately you sort of forget you didn’t grow up with them? You feel they’ve always been there, and it’s weird to think there was technically a before-time? It’s that, but with an actual physical piece of yourself. This is rewiring so much, so quickly. There’s so much “oh.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am literally becoming a more complete person here, and it is so fucking wild, I can’t stop obsessing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To that end\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I swear to god, don’t expand this post.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Ab, V’z frevbhf. V’z gelvat gb jbex guebhtu fbzr bs guvf fdhrnz urer, ohg guvf vfa’g fbzrguvat lbh arrq gb ernq. Vg’f whfg fbzrguvat V arrq gb chg bhg gurer va zl bja fcnpr.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Qba’g fnl V qvqa’g jnea lbh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nobhg qvpxf<\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frr, lbh’er dhrfgvbavat nyy lbhe yvsr qrpvfvbaf nobhg abj, nera’g lbh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Vg’f shaal. rirel cebsrffvbany V’ir frra nobhg zl genafvgvba unf cerfhzrq fbzr qlfcubevp svkngvba ba zl travgnyvn, jura, hu, ab. Gung’f npghnyyl xvaq bs gur bccbfvgr bs gur pnfr. V’z n-bx urer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gurer ner n srj yriryf gb guvf gung V’z ernyyl eryhpgnag naq hapbzsbegnoyr hacnpxvat, fb yrg’f tb nurnq naq hacnpx gurz.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whfg va grezf bs zl frys-vzntr, V unccra gb yvxr zl cravf. Gurer’f na ryrzrag bs snzvyvnevgl urer gb or fher, ohg nyfb, jryy\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 Qvpxf ner arng? Nf vf zvar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

V unir gnyxrq nobhg ubj V unir arire ernyyl pbafvqrerq travgnyvn cnegvphyneyl traqrerq. Jung crbcyr ner ebpxvat bhg bs fvtug vf gurve bja ohfvarff, evtug. Fb n cravf qbrfa’g gevttre nal xvaq bs qlfcubevn va gung ertneq. Naq V yvxr univat bar, va zhpu gur jnl V yvxr univat obbof.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

N cneg bs gung vf whfg fbzr ubyvfgvp guvat jurer V unir guvf fbeg bs jvevat sbe zl obql, naq nccerpvngvat jung V unir jvgubhg whqtzrag. Pbzcner gb gur obbof, juvpu ner n jrypbzr abirygl orpnhfr gurl’er n oenaq arj srngher; gurl nera’g ercynpvat nalguvat ohg n inpnag ybg, gung nyjnlf ybj-xrl jbeqyrffyl obgurerq zr.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ohg ba gbc bs gung, gur cneg V unir lrg gb dhvgr fdhner naq jbex guebhtu fb gung V’z pbzsbegnoyr pbzcyrgvat nyy bs gur gubhtugf, vf gung V whfg\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 yvxr qvpxf. Sbe bar guvat V guvax gurl’er arng, va zhpu gur jnl gung obbof ner pbby. Fb V’z tynq gb unir bar bs zl bja urer. Nf sbe gur bgure guvat\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frkhnyvgl naq nggenpgvba ner pbzcyvpngrq, evtug. V qba’g trg frkhny be ebznagvp srryvatf sbe crbcyr va gur jnl gung bguref V thrff qb; zl oenva qbrfa’g, yvxr, vafgehzragnyvmr crbcyr gung jnl. Ohg nrfgurgvp nggenpgvba vf n guvat, naq nebhfny vf vgf bja abg-ragveryl eryngrq cebprff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fb, whfg. Jura V fnl V yvxr qvpx, V zrna V yvxr qvpx.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Juvpu vfa’g gb va nal jnl pnfg nfcrefvba ba gur aboyr chqraqhz, nf vg jrer\u00e2\u20ac\u201djuvpu vf svar! Nyy tbbq gurer gbb. Znal inevrgvrf ner ninvynoyr, nyy jvgu gurve zrevgf. Ohg bar unf bar’f svkngvbaf naq cersreraprf. Ntnva V qba’g traqre travgnyvn, naq nz\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 V thrff cna va guvf ertneq. Vg’f n srngher V rawbl, ba nalbar. Ng yrnfg va cevapvcyr.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Vg vf irel rnfl gb frr vs V jrer va snpg n frkhny crefba va nal cenpgvpny erfcrpg V jbhyq or n shyy-gvzr obggbz.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n\n\n\n

juvpu znl rkcynva fbzr bs gur fgenatr qlanzvpf va cnfg eryngvbafuvcf, V fhccbfr.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

V\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 whfg frr nyy bs gur inevrq nccrny bs gur nccraqntr naq vgf hgvyvgl, bxnl.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gurer vf n yriry jurer vg’f whfg ernyyl arng sbe zr gb npghnyyl rapbzcnff nyy gur cnegf bs n crefba gung V crefbanyyl svaq nggenpgvir naq qrfvenoyr\u00e2\u20ac\u201dva nyy gur jnlf bar zvtug vagrecerg gubfr grezf. Yvxr, V’ir tbg gur shyy frg urer abj. Jurr. Ebpxva’. Vg’f hfryrff, ohg url ub, vg’f terng!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Zl jubyr urnq srryf yvxr vg’f rehcgvat urer. V zhfg unir ohefg rirel pncvyynel va zl snpr, chggvat jbeqf gb nyy bs guvf. Ohg, hu. Jevgvat frrzf gb or gur jnl gung V orfg jbex guebhtu guvatf va zl yvsr evtug abj. Fb, urer jr unir vg.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frkhnyyl, V qba’g rira xabj ubj gb pngrtbevmr nal bs guvf. Yvxr, qrfcvgr jung V jnf uvynevbhfyl nffvtarq ng ovegu naq qrfcvgr gur (aba-traqrerq) uneqjner haqre qvfphffvba, V nz boivbhfyl abg znyr. V’z\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 fbegn n tvey, ohg abg ernyyl. V’z na raol qrrcyl snfpvangrq jvgu ure srzvavavgl, V fhccbfr. Vg’f shgvyr gb pngrtbevmr nggenpgvba sbe zr. Orpnhfr bs lrnef bs guvf tbqqnzarq fbpvrgl, V’z genvarq gb cebprff nyy bs guvf nggenpgvba nf fhcre tnl, ohg jryy\u00e2\u20ac\u201dsbe bar guvat, jung rira vf<\/em> tnl sbe zr? Jung qbrf gung rira zrna nalzber? Sbe nabgure, fb jung? Vfa’g gung xvaq bs n tbbq guvat ernyyl? Lnl, yrg’f nyy <\/em>or tnl. Znxr gur jbeyq n orggre cynpr. Vg’f whfg, lbh xabj\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhaernfba, evtug. Vg znxrf zr qrrcyl harnfl gb nqzvg.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sbe nyy gung V’z znxvat n cebwrpg bs rzoenpvat zl dhrrearff, V xvaq bs\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 yvxr, vg’f jnl rnfvre sbe zr gb qrny jvgu zl traqre, juvpu vf whfg fb gnatvoyr naq boivbhf naq arprffnel gb unaqyr. V unir n ybg bs unat-hcf nobhg frk, orgjrra abg ernyyl trggvat gur jnl crbcyr orunir nobhg vg, naq zl bja genhzn, naq srryvat n qrrc nirefvba sbe vg pbzvat naljurer arne zr crefbanyyl, nf uvynevbhf nf V svaq vg va gur nofgenpg.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fgvyy, urer jr ner, pbzvat gb grezf jvgu bhefrys. Fb, yrg’f abg yrg rzoneenffzrag trg va gur jnl. Vs gurer’f nalguvat zber fbyvq naq sentvyr orlbaq gur irvy, jr fgbc, evtug. Jr’er abg ybbxvat sbe nal zber genhzn. Evtug abj jr’er va gur ernyz bs gur nofheq, naq gur jbefg gung pbzrf vf srryvat guvf qrrc fuhqqrevat punteva. Fb, svar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ohg jr’ir rfgnoyvfurq fbzr cersreraprf urer\u00e2\u20ac\u201dabg uneq-frg ehyrf, ohg n onfvp haqrefgnaqvat naq, V ubcr, npprcgnapr, abj gung V’ir znqr vg erny ol betnavmvat vg fbzrjung. <\/p>\n\n\n\n