{"id":8403,"date":"2021-05-19T01:45:00","date_gmt":"2021-05-19T05:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/?p=8403"},"modified":"2021-05-24T21:21:23","modified_gmt":"2021-05-25T01:21:23","slug":"the-potential-to-jazz","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/2021\/05\/the-potential-to-jazz\/","title":{"rendered":"The Potential to Jazz"},"content":{"rendered":"
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It’s just astounding how much more sense everything makes when I know who I am. Just the whole world. Every thought I have ever had. Every problem I’ve faced. The way I want to talk to people. The way I understand that things work. There’s this universal sort of clarity now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These last few months I keep getting comments on this striking confidence that people see in me. And I don’t know about that, but there is a clarity that I’ve never known. I’m not even sure I know what confidence is, but so much uncertainty seems to have abruptly fallen away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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And where I’m no longer uncertain, things just are the way they are. I’m autistic, yo. If a thing is true, I accept it as true and it doesn’t occur to me to mess around. I’m not sure I even know the social codes around playing coy with stuff that’s evident to me. Why lie?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m still this dysfunctional bundle of nerves and everything scares me, and I don’t know how to do the most basic things\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand even if I do know, I’m not well enough to do them most of the time. But, like. For once I know who I am. And I get why the problems I have are my problems. And there’s so much that now I know I don’t have to worry about anymore\u00e2\u20ac\u201dlike, it turns out that dynamic doesn’t actually apply to me. It’s someone else’s garbage; why should I care? Okay, call me a “little gothic steam-punk diva<\/a>,” sure. But this isn’t a front. I’m not making some kind of a statement. This is just me being comfortable for once.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And yet, well, it seems like me no longer being terrified and confused, and just existing in a way that makes me feel like I’m finally alive, is seen as this audacious act. Is it really that<\/em> astonishing for me not to hate myself? I mean, I’ve done that. It sucks. I didn’t deserve it. Moving on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I just find it so amazing to be me. I’ve never known this kind of a feeling. I’ve never known the security of a love like this. I’ve never felt like anyone has cared about me in the way I’ve begun to discover in myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve never been this grounded in a sense of truth. It all connects.<\/p>\n\n\n\n