{"id":8804,"date":"2025-04-15T12:11:17","date_gmt":"2025-04-15T16:11:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/?p=8804"},"modified":"2025-07-22T00:06:41","modified_gmt":"2025-07-22T04:06:41","slug":"thumb-on-the-scale","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/2025\/04\/thumb-on-the-scale\/","title":{"rendered":"thumb on the scale"},"content":{"rendered":"

azure, feeling ancient and calcified and decrepit: “oogh ack urrrg, i am turrrning to dussst…”<\/p>\n

the Internet (clickthru):<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/center><\/p>\n

i swear someone has their thumb on the scale, because this shit feels so incorrect to me<\/p>\n

…<\/p>\n

thinking again of how my then-spouse didn’t allow me to shave my scraggle that made me so unhappy, because when i did, i “looked like a girl,” which filled them with disgust and sexual uncertainty, which instead of processing they would turn into rage and take out on me for making them feel that way<\/p>\n

and it’s like,<\/p>\n

    \n
  • you’re the one who married a girl<\/li>\n
  • you have always had a type<\/li>\n
  • you knew what you were getting before i even did<\/li>\n
  • your fears and your desires were there decades before i came along<\/li>\n
  • i have no say over your emotions; i can’t make<\/em> you feel anything<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    it’s not my fault that you’re ashamed of who you are; that’s no reason to shame me for who i am<\/p>\n

    it’s more than the shame, though; it’s the one guiding terror behind every choice a narcissist makes:<\/p>\n

    what might the people you’ve been manipulating your whole life think of you, if the web came unwound and they ever saw you for real?<\/p>\n

    what if you had no other recourse, but to trust?<\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    azure, feeling ancient and calcified and decrepit: “oogh ack urrrg, i am turrrning to dussst…” the Internet (clickthru): i swear someone has their thumb on the scale, because this shit feels so incorrect to me … thinking again of how my then-spouse didn’t allow me to shave my scraggle that made me so unhappy, because […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ocean_post_layout":"","ocean_both_sidebars_style":"","ocean_both_sidebars_content_width":0,"ocean_both_sidebars_sidebars_width":0,"ocean_sidebar":"0","ocean_second_sidebar":"0","ocean_disable_margins":"enable","ocean_add_body_class":"","ocean_shortcode_before_top_bar":"","ocean_shortcode_after_top_bar":"","ocean_shortcode_before_header":"","ocean_shortcode_after_header":"","ocean_has_shortcode":"","ocean_shortcode_after_title":"","ocean_shortcode_before_footer_widgets":"","ocean_shortcode_after_footer_widgets":"","ocean_shortcode_before_footer_bottom":"","ocean_shortcode_after_footer_bottom":"","ocean_display_top_bar":"default","ocean_display_header":"default","ocean_header_style":"","ocean_center_header_left_menu":"0","ocean_custom_header_template":"0","ocean_custom_logo":0,"ocean_custom_retina_logo":0,"ocean_custom_logo_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_tablet_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_mobile_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_max_height":0,"ocean_custom_logo_tablet_max_height":0,"ocean_custom_logo_mobile_max_height":0,"ocean_header_custom_menu":"0","ocean_menu_typo_font_family":"0","ocean_menu_typo_font_subset":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_size":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_unit":"px","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight_tablet":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight_mobile":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform_tablet":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform_mobile":"","ocean_menu_typo_line_height":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_unit":"","ocean_menu_typo_spacing":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_unit":"","ocean_menu_link_color":"","ocean_menu_link_color_hover":"","ocean_menu_link_color_active":"","ocean_menu_link_background":"","ocean_menu_link_hover_background":"","ocean_menu_link_active_background":"","ocean_menu_social_links_bg":"","ocean_menu_social_hover_links_bg":"","ocean_menu_social_links_color":"","ocean_menu_social_hover_links_color":"","ocean_disable_title":"default","ocean_disable_heading":"default","ocean_post_title":"","ocean_post_subheading":"","ocean_post_title_style":"","ocean_post_title_background_color":"","ocean_post_title_background":0,"ocean_post_title_bg_image_position":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_attachment":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_repeat":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_size":"","ocean_post_title_height":0,"ocean_post_title_bg_overlay":0.5,"ocean_post_title_bg_overlay_color":"","ocean_disable_breadcrumbs":"default","ocean_breadcrumbs_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_separator_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_links_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_links_hover_color":"","ocean_display_footer_widgets":"default","ocean_display_footer_bottom":"default","ocean_custom_footer_template":"0","ocean_post_oembed":"","ocean_post_self_hosted_media":"","ocean_post_video_embed":"","ocean_link_format":"","ocean_link_format_target":"self","ocean_quote_format":"","ocean_quote_format_link":"post","ocean_gallery_link_images":"on","ocean_gallery_id":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8804","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8804","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8804"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8804\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8912,"href":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8804\/revisions\/8912"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8804"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8804"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aderack.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8804"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}